plants_in_the_pants_by_subtlezer0-d6pf73c

Driving through this winding avenue
Slamming the gas on this boiler
Leaving behind a trail of scorch marks and speeding tickets.
SHIT!!!
I nearly hit that lady off her own porch.
  Wait was that a lady? No its a drag queen.
I must still be in that part of town. 

Where did they go?
Better ask the nearest daddy-o for the 213,
I pull up beside this teen; 
I catch him like a deer in the head lights
I didn’t mean to make the kids voice drop
I just wanted him to lend me an ear. 
He shoves his hand down his pants faster than a sheikh in the west.
 
ME
Whoa, relax daddy-o. Just hoping to get some directions from you is all.
 
BOY
Are you a cop?!
 
He’s holding on to something pretty tight down there,
Hes not hiding a gat is he? either that or he’s gonna snap out his underwear.
 
ME
Nope, I ain’t a cop.
 
BOY
You look like a cop.
 
ME
You look like a chimney sweeper doesn’t mean you are one.
 
BOY
Then what are you?
 
ME
Me? I’m just a humble P.I.
 
BOY
Like a secretary?
 
ME
No. That’s as P.A ya-
 
There he goes fiddling with his junk again,
I hope the guy doesn’t rub his eye with the same hand. 
 
ME
You know when I was you’re age I thought my baby maker was a sword as well.
Unless that’s a real weapon your concealing.
 
BOY
Now you sound like a cop.
 
The stones on this guy,
Either he’s gonna show ’em to me or we’re have to light this park up.
The kid digs deeper, and I see myself full of holes down Davey Jones.
I reach for the piece tucked under my arm;
It’s a quick draw at high noon
It’s the fat lady singing a tune
It’s a bag of chronic.
 
BOY
I was just gonna smoke it I wasn’t gonna sell any. Honest.
 
ME
God damn it kid, I coulda killed you.
 
BOY
Take the bag officer, just don’t throw me in the can.
 
ME
I already told ya I ain’t a cop!Just wanted to ask you if you’d seen a boiler with a fancy spoiler rolling through?
 
BOY
Something too nice for this neighborhood?
 
ME
That would be the one.
 
BOY
Yeah, I saw something like that not long before you started waving your heater at me. Hooked a left on 21 and Lewis.
 
ME
Muchas gracias.
 
I knew where they were headed, 
The yuppie was taking that barn burner back to her place.
If I’m quick I might be able to catch ’em making puppy love.
I booked it out that street,
Not before grabbing some green from the aloof teen.
 
The joint was cold…
Nothing to be heard but the wind…
Funny as it sounds,
 I felt something else was in the room with me
And there she was,
Just as the worst thought in my mind foretold
The beautiful dame without a name, 
Pale as a ghost, wrapped in plastic
And that thing in the room with me, 
Was unmistakably death.